Sorrow
by DySolo
Summary: L/R DB series. Number 7. Lila deals with losing Spencer; Spencer deals with Georgia. Spoilers up to 2x16


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Title: Sorrow  
**Pairing: Lila/Reid**  
**Rating: T  
Summary: Lila deals with losing Spencer. Spencer deals with Georgia.  
****Author's Notes: Seventh in Deal Breaker Series. Follows Safely, Coming Home, Pain in the Past, Lean on Me, Courageous and Aftermath. Safely is rated definitely M for sexual scenes and doesn't have to read to understand the story. All others are more necessary and not rated as high  
****Author's Notes (Part 2): I thought I would mention this because this part of the series talks about Reid's drug use (as seen in the episodes following Revelations.) His decision to do drugs is NOT because Lila and he broke up. Does it add to his pain, his need to numb? Probably, but it is not the cause! Spencer is still all messed up from his ordeal and his nightmares and everything come from that! He is not that dependent on his relationship with Lila that he would turn to drugs because she left him. I just want to make that very, very clear. Also, the fact he talks about her alot when he's high is only because it's probably the only time Spencer would open up about how he feels about it to someone (like JJ.) There's no inhibitions there when he's under the influence. **

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Lila watches as Dante sketches. She's trying to stay still for him, but it's hard. Her mind is racing, trying to figure out the right answer. She should call, just to see how he's doing, if he's out of the hospital. What if he wasn't? Something could have happened, an infection or something. He could be dead and she wouldn't even know. JJ would have called, wouldn't she have? JJ was probably angry at her, but Morgan would call. Morgan liked her. Well, she wasn't sure of that. She knew that he thought she was hot, Spencer had told her that. Someone would have called, except maybe Gideon had told them not to. That seemed to be his specialty.

"Stop twitching."

She glares, but tries to push the thoughts out of her head. He was fine. He was probably still at home, just wanting to get back to work. No, if he could walk by now, Spencer would already be working. He loved his job. She had been right to not make him choose, not that she would have even had a chance at winning. It wasn't about that anyway. She knew that fighting the bad guys, saving people - that's what he wanted to do. He could do anything with his intelligence and he had chosen to work with the BAU. She couldn't have asked him to give that up as much as he couldn't ask her to give up acting. Plus, if he ever asked her to give it up, she wouldn't be able to be with him anyways. Acting was her passion, her life and although she did…maybe love him, she had to put herself first. She had to put herself first and that included her emotions, her sanity and she couldn't do that if she was waiting by the phone every night, needing to hear his voice to know that he wasn't dead, that he was going to go home and she could see him again. She had to put herself first.

"I have to call him."

Dante growls as he watches her walk a to grab the phone. "Lila Rene Archer."

She turns to look at him with a slight glare.. "Dante Vincent Arasalle, what if he's dead and they didn't call me to tell me. I'm calling."

She pauses before dialing a number.

"Jareau" says the person who answers.

JJ….hey."

Dante glares. "I thought you were calling Spencer."

"Shut up." She mouths as JJ clears her throat.

"Yes, hello."

"Are you guys on a case?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Is…is Spencer around?"

"Of course. I understand."

She frowns at her words, trying to hide who she's talking to. She turns away from Dante, who's watching her like a hawk.

"How's he doing?" She says, softly.

"I understand that it's difficult. I don't know."

"He's having trouble?" She asks, confused.

"Will you hold on for a second?" She pauses and Lila can hear her talking to the group. "I have to take this. I'll be right back."

A few moments pass and she hears JJ again.

"You ended your relationship at the hospital, how do you think he's doing?"

"What was I supposed to? Wait till he was better and then tell him I couldn't handle it?"

"Yes!" She sighs. "He's… he's not doing well at all, Lila."

"Do you think its because-"

"I don't know. It's hard to tell. With the kidnapping and everything… and then, I think.." She sighs. "Never mind."

"What? What do you think?" She moves back to the couch.

"It's nothing, Lila. Why did you call?"

"I…" She falls back on the cushions and hears Dante start a new page. "I miss him."

"Then call him, Lila. He needs all the support he can get."

"I can't. I… I still feel the same way I did. You told me that he died and I… I can't handle that."

"We are trained to handle situations and we didn't follow protocol that night. We separated and…" She trails off and Lila can hear her guilt in the silence.

Lila doesn't know what to say. She wasn't angry at JJ, she knew that Spencer had probably just trying to do what was right, even if it meant risking his life.

"JJ, I love him."

Lila looks up to see Dante's hand pause as he looks up. JJ sighs.

"Lila, I…" There's a pause. "Of course, Hotch. Right away." Another pause. "He's not sleeping much. He keeps calling me during the night with… the most random things. I think he's having nightmares and he's cranky. The bruises are gone and he walks just fine on his foot, but… what happened to him wasn't…. I saw the things Hankel did to his victims and I… I.." She clears her throat, "He's working now and maybe that will help, but…Lila, I don't know. With that and then… losing you, it's just a really bad time right now and we'll help him as best we can, but…"

"He's strong, stronger than you guys realize… He can get through this. All of it."

"Oh you don't have to tell me how strong he is. I don't think any of us have any doubts on that anymore. I know he can get through it, I just don't know if he's making the right decisions to get there just yet."

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Criminal Minds || Sorrow

"Okay. We're going out." Dante says. "Me. You. Element, tonight."

"You just want to go see if Anna's there and can't get in without my face."

"…So? I don't know if you remember, but you owe me."

Lila ignores him. "What do you think she meant about him not making the right decisions?"

"I don't know, but come on, Little. We've been moping around for almost 2 weeks now. You broke up with him, so move on."

"So what? I should just go out, get drunk and dance?"

"Shit, yeah! Why not? You're 25, hot, famous, and single. We should definitely be out there, living it up. We're in a city full of people who want what you have, let's enjoy it."

Lila watches him before her eyes turn back to the TV. "But there's an Law and Order marathon on today and I have ice cream. I want to catch the bad guys and eat until I feel like I'll explode."

Dante's shoulders slump. "Okay, one, you hate crime shows. You got offered to do CSI or something and turned it down-"

"-right after Maggie! Linda was making me do all these talks, the last thing I wanted to do was die on-"

"-and you know that if Robbie finds out that you ate double chocolate fudge-"

"How did you-"

"-ice cream, he's just going to make you do even more cardio and you hate cardio. "

She makes a face. "Running sucks."

"Exactly, but you know what is fun? Dancing's fun. Dancing doesn't suck. And dancing's cardio, so not only when you be burning calories so Robbie's happy, but we might see Anna and you could you know…tell her that I'm not a creepy guy who fantasizes about her all the time."

Lila watches him for a second, before turning back to her side. "What do you think he's doing right now?"

****

Criminal Minds || Sorrow

Spencer checks the tie around his arm again, making sure it's tight enough before clenching and unclenching his fist, his eyes watching his veins. He slaps at his inner elbow and grins with the vein bulges to life. He stares at his arm for a moment longer, his mind catching up to his cravings. He knows the risks, the percentages of people who overdose. He's careful though, always getting the syringe filled and ready before the cravings get too much, keeping them at bay so he doesn't reach for the bottle in need and take too much. He's functional, he's smart about this. He grabs the syringe, checking the dosage another time, noticing his hand shake slightly at the anxiety, the premature rush he gets in anticipation. He sets the needle back down, shakes his hand out, his mind whispering facts about addictions. He's not addicted. He's not. When he reaches for it again, his hand is still. He just likes to feel numb sometimes. It helps him sleep. He's careful. Addicts aren't careful. He positions the needle against the vein before pricking it into his skin and pushing the plunger in until it's all in. He breathes in, before pulling the needle out and the tie of his arm. He leans back against the chair, releasing the breath. His eyes close as he starts to feel the drug, a slow burn that overtakes his senses for a few seconds before it flushes everything to calm. Slow.

No more crime photos. No more descriptions of bodies. No more gun in his face, the rattling of the cylinder as it turns after each click. Click. Click.

He counts his breaths as the air fills his chest and leaves. He gets to 74 before he opens his eyes again, reaching for his phone, hitting a speed dial button.

"Hey, Spence." It's JJ. She's expecting his call, he realizes. He should stop calling her. She could end up telling Hotch he's not sleeping or worse, become suspicious.

"Hey."

"Any movies tonight?" She sounds tired.

"There's a Hitters marathon on Spike TV." His eyes raise to watch Lila and Anna on a beach, both in bathing suits. They're always in bathing suits on this show.

"Oh. Are you watching it? We could watch Law and Order, instead."

His eyes stay on the screen a few more moments, ignoring her suggestion. "You know that 13 million people watch this show, averagely on a Tuesday night. 13 million, so if you assume that half is male, that's 7.5 million guys that watch her in a bathing suit, jump and run around and none of them realize how beautiful she is. They just see the body. They…They don't know about the fact she's funny and humble. They don't know that she still has the same car that her dad gave her when she got accepted to Juilliard. They don't know how passionate she is, that she tries so hard to be so good at the thing she loves and wants others to do the same. They don't know that she offered her friend a job to be her assistant so he could quit a job he hated to pursue his art. They don't know that she doesn't get along with her mother, but visits Texas at least twice a year to see how she's doing, to visit with her siblings. They don't know and they don't care because she's got long blonde hair and plump lips and perfect skin." His eyes travel over the woman on the screen. "She's beautiful. She is so beautiful. Isn't she?"

"She's attractive, yes."

He smiles to himself. "You should see her in red."


End file.
